March 17th, 2009

[NOTE: This was to be a post written because of the one year anniversary of this blog, but I never posted it. Here it is, months late, but still here. It's a very personal post, and, in a way, it reveals a lot of the insecurities I have and anger I once had, but I'm okay with that.]

Beginning of unwritten bloggiversary post

I’ve learned that I’m a jackass, and that I have to admit that to myself to be able to get through it all sometimes. By solidifying my status as a jackass, I’ve admitted to myself that I have trouble expressing how I feel without using some sort of defense mechanism: sarcasm, power abuse, and, my favorite, bottling it up. However, these defense mechanisms made for very controversial posts and tweets about my opinions and feelings. My tendencies became a vicious circle; somebody wants to be mad. I’m chill because I already vented. Someone’s still angry. I still can’t see why because of whatever reason. I eventually am backed into a corner because I bottled it up, and end up apologizing whether I want to or not. Whether it was genuine or not, I felt like I must apologize to avoid being abruptly backed into a long-term shuffle. Now, I know better than the mistakes I’ve made. I mean, yeah it’s fun to vent, but who will even care if they’re not involved with the situation. Furthermore, if they do care, who’s not going to get angry? All in all, bottling it up inside me has become one of the most self-inflicting, stupidest defense mechanisms I’ve ever used. Sarcasm makes people think you’re funny all the time, even when you’re using it to hide your own insecurities about your personal problems wih yourself. Power-abuse is wrong because very rarely do people even have a lot of power, but when you abuse it, people obviously label you as a jackass. I don’t abuse my power unless my job is to get people to stop talking (oh, let’s say during a show or something), but it’s a good one to use rarely. But bottling up my feelings when I’m angry only ends up making me angry or sad or disgusted with the circumstances. But the way I bottled everything up and the reactions to my venting also make me realize something; I was incredibly dependent. Dependent to the point where it was hurting me to see that I was practically expendable to them. I left my dependency behing with middle school, and I’m not going to lie when I say it took quite a while. I had to get used to the fact that when they were together, I wasn’t ever really going to be a part of it. The way they stuck together like glue, with me sort of looking in like a fly on the wall. The greatest part about it all was that I wasn’t the only one; it seemed to be the trend that people couldn’t live without their friends. I guessed it was just the curse of high school, but I wasn’t going to get hurt living that way again. Label me however you want: loser, geek, outcast, emo kid. I don’t care anymore. Becuase, in reality, I’m going to have to leave all of these people behind one day

I’ve discovered that I get myself stuck in situations caused by my own supressions, but situations which are, indeed, wrong. It’s partly just because of the type of person I am; I’ve had an unconventional adolescence and I usually defend my opinions and emotions with supressive actions or what is simply called “Bottling it all up”. But the other part of it is because I’m a pushover. I let people walk all over me. I let people interrupt me. I let people cancel on me. I let people talk over me. I let people yell at me for expressing an opinion outside of theirs. I let people try to shut me up. And I’m okay with it until I realize that it’s wrong. The worst part about it all is that when I notice what has happened, I get angry. I write about my problems in the most public ways possible, and, most of the time, I end up alienating myself from the people who hurt me the most, which would be great if I actually intended to leave them. But I don’t leave people behind in a second because no good relationships really end that way; they leave you slowly, and leave their footprints behind. It all takes time, and it all takes strength because, in reality, you never want to leave the people who you spend so much time with behind.

End post

Beginning of unwritten bloggiversary post

I’ve learned that I’m a jackass, and that I have to admit that to myself to be able to get through it all sometimes. By solidifying my status as a jackass, I’ve admitted to myself that I have trouble expressing how I feel without using some sort of defense mechanism: sarcasm, power abuse, and, my favorite, bottling it up. However, these defense mechanisms made for very controversial posts and tweets about my opinions and feelings. My tendencies became a vicious circle; somebody wants to be mad. I’m chill because I already vented. Someone’s still angry. I still can’t see why because of whatever reason. I eventually am backed into a corner because I bottled it up, and end up apologizing whether I want to or not. Whether it was genuine or not, I felt like I must apologize to avoid being abruptly backed into a long-term shuffle. Now, I know better than the mistakes I’ve made. I mean, yeah it’s fun to vent, but who will even care if they’re not involved with the situation. Furthermore, if they do care, who’s not going to get angry? All in all, bottling it up inside me has become one of the most self-inflicting, stupidest defense mechanisms I’ve ever used. Sarcasm makes people think you’re funny all the time, even when you’re using it to hide your own insecurities about your personal problems wih yourself. Power-abuse is wrong because very rarely do people even have a lot of power, but when you abuse it, people obviously label you as a jackass. I don’t abuse my power unless my job is to get people to stop talking (oh, let’s say during a show or something), but it’s a good one to use rarely. But bottling up my feelings when I’m angry only ends up making me angry or sad or disgusted with the circumstances. But the way I bottled everything up and the reactions to my venting also make me realize something; I was incredibly dependent. Dependent to the point where it was hurting me to see that I was practically expendable to them. I left my dependency behing with middle school, and I’m not going to lie when I say it took quite a while. I had to get used to the fact that when they were together, I wasn’t ever really going to be a part of it. The way they stuck together like glue, with me sort of looking in like a fly on the wall. The greatest part about it all was that I wasn’t the only one; it seemed to be the trend that people couldn’t live without their friends. I guessed it was just the curse of high school, but I wasn’t going to get hurt living that way again. Label me however you want: loser, geek, outcast, emo kid. I don’t care anymore. Becuase, in reality, I’m going to have to leave all of these people behind one day

I’ve discovered that I get myself stuck in situations caused by my own supressions, but situations which are, indeed, wrong. It’s partly just because of the type of person I am; I’ve had an unconventional adolescence and I usually defend my opinions and emotions with supressive actions or what is simply called “Bottling it all up”. But the other part of it is because I’m a pushover. I let people walk all over me. I let people interrupt me. I let people cancel on me. I let people talk over me. I let people yell at me for expressing an opinion outside of theirs. I let people try to shut me up. And I’m okay with it until I realize that it’s wrong. The worst part about it all is that when I notice what has happened, I get angry. I write about my problems in the most public ways possible, and, most of the time, I end up alienating myself from the people who hurt me the most, which would be great if I actually intended to leave them. But I don’t leave people behind in a second because no good relationships really end that way; they leave you slowly, and leave their footprints behind. It all takes time, and it all takes strength because, in reality, you never want to leave the people who you spend so much time with behind.

End post